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Jul. 21st, 2008 | 01:42 pm

hey guess what

i'm a dad

isn't that crazy?

pietro alexander markowitz, born on saturday

well okay
he's a little squished and funny looking
aren't all newborns?

but still
that's my dna in there
that made a baby

i'd post a picture or two
but i don't know how
so you just have to use your imaginations

i'm exhausted and home just for a couple of minutes
to change clothes and shower and grab some food
before i go over to nicole's so we can go back over to the hospital together
molly should be home today
maybe tomorrow
with the baby
apparently creating new life doesnt entitle you to staying in the hospital very long



just thought you should know.

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(no subject)

Jun. 16th, 2008 | 11:14 am
location: home

so for those of you following along at home
which is, well, my sister (hi nicole)
we're closing in on peanut's arrival date
we've got about a month left, give or take a few days
my status at home has been relegated to guy-who-does-everything
let me tell you we've been eating a lot of take-out
since my skills behind the stove are
well, still awful
nicole's been up a lot to help out
and if i ever had any issues with feeling totally helpless and emasculated
this would just make it worse, being the man who can only barely provide
because he's not quite good at the things he needs to do to keep daily life going
but whatever
i'm okay with it

the play's almost done
i've workshopped a bit with some other writers,
had some actor friends come in to do a little reading
but i've taken a bit of a break for now
partly because i just don't have time and partly because
well, it was just starting to be a trigger for me you know?
it was getting harder and harder to write
because of what i'm writing about
and so i just stopped for a little while
because contrary to popular belief
i'm not actually a moron

so in prep for peanut
i've been going to these daddy boot camp sort of classes
because let's face it, nicole might disagree
but i didn't grow up with the best example of being a dad
and my experience with babies is pretty much none
discounting the few times i've gotten to be with lisa's kids
before she drags them away
in fear that they're going to catch the gay from me
i want to be a good dad and i can only learn so much on the internet
(and the internet inevitably leads me to porn which also doesn't help)

anyway, these classes
well, if we want to talk about emasculating
making me feel less of a man
let's say being stuck in a room that's overwhelmingly populated by
paragons of the american ideal of maleness
using strange metaphors about sports to explain things about babies
(and looking at me strange when i just stare blankly because their football metahpor made no sense whatsoever and it wasn't really even a metaphor but i don't think they want english lessons from me)
and talking construction and banking and business and women
isn't doing much for my self-confidence
i'm decidedly the only me in the class
even the metrosexuals are very clearly not ever going to play for the other team
if i want to use their fucking sports metaphors
i'm okay with me as i am, i've had to be for a very long time
but it gets a little uncomfortable after a while

the first thing they ask is what kind of a dad you had, what kind you want to be
and it was hard
i just want to be a good dad
i want peanut to know that i love him, i want him to hear it from me
i knew my dad loved me but i never heard it
and he didn't exactly get the opportunity to show his love through
normal fatherly pursuits
baseball picnics camping boy scouts
not in the cards for me
(well maybe the boy scouts, but the uniforms just were never sexy enough to really get my attention)
i want to be able to provide a good home for peanut
with love and happiness and knowledge and respect

i worry sometimes
what he'll think of me when he's grown
i'll never be a typical dad, i'll never be the one to engage in those
aformenetioned fatherly pursuits
it's no secret that i've done some terrible things
and if this play gets picked up some of those terrible things will be out there for the world to see
it's no secret that i'm no saint, you know?
and i don't want him to be ashamed of his dad
i don't want him to wake up one day and realize that his dad's nothing but
a former junkie who would bend over for just about anyone at one point in his life
and who still struggles
--will always struggle--
to reign in his wilder ways
i don't want him to be ashamed or embarassed by me
so i want to start everything out right

i don't know where i was going with this
i need to get going anyway
i have a thing this afternoon at the theatre, for potential directors
why they want me directing anything i don't know
but it pays and it was something i enjoyed when i did it
we'll see.

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(no subject)

Apr. 12th, 2008 | 11:52 am

so i'm 30 today
not technically yet, since i was born late at night
which is what my mom blames half my problems on
"oh nathan if only you'd been born while the sun was still out you wouldn't ___"

sorry i don't think she's right on that one
but i let her believe it anyway


i never thought i'd live to see 30 honestly
if you'd asked me 10 years ago, 5 even
hell last year even
i would have laughed at you
30 seemed so far off, so unattainable
in a world of coke and shooting up and fucking anyone that would have me
in a life that meant ODing and trying to kill myself and doing anything to stop feeling
(and can you tell i've been back to the psychologist
that i can even recognize this shit for what it is)
30 was an impossibility, a pipe dream
i would have laughed at you and done another line to be honest
i don't think i wanted to be 30

and now here i am
back in new york, where everything started for me
only with a wife and a baby on the way
clean and sober for months now
writing and feeling for the first time ever
that i might just make something out of myself

i did rehab twice, and i fucked it up twice
i put my family through hell, mom and dad and nicole
i put aj through hell
and i couldn't clean up because i wasn't ready to

but now
i don't want to be a 30 year old addict
i knew 30 year old addicts
i dated them
i think sergei was pushing 30 when i met him and that sure as hell turned out well
and it was never pretty, just a used up shell of a guy whose entire life
morning to night
revolves around getting his next fix
mine did too
but i'm not going to be that man any more

i fucked up a lot of good things
when i was high or when i was drinking
i burned a lot of bridges

but now i get to start over
i've got a life to live now

i've done the 12 steps a million times before
rehab, meetings, just years of trying to get their bullshit higher power stuff through my head
and failing every time
i'm not headed towards a spiritual awakening any time soon
and even clean my moral inventory is still pretty fucking jacked up
but i've got to admit that this is the first time ever that i've felt like
just maybe
i can do it. i can keep clean this time.
i don't want to be that person any more, and i don't know if i've ever been ready to say that before

you know i'd anticipating hitting 30 and going out and
just bingeing the entire day on whatever i could get my hands on
i didn't anticipate hitting 30 and sitting around waiting
for my wife to get dressed so we can go out to lunch
and for a walk around the park
and not wanting - not feeling even a little tempted - to use at all

i'm not the same man
even past the new life and the new last name
i'm not the same man at all
and maybe you know
maybe this is a good thing

i'm 30 now
i can recognize all the bullshit i've done in the past
and i can't apologize enough
for everyone i've hurt
but this is a new life
and i'm going to make the best of it

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(no subject)

Feb. 26th, 2008 | 09:14 am

happy birthday aj
i bet you thought i'd forget but the internet reminded me. i thought it was yesterday actually
and then i bothered to read the email i got
thank god for the internet

i don't even know if you'll see this
what with the not really talking to me anymore shit and all
but you didn't answer your phone or your email or the txt i sent you
so this is all i've got

so i hope you have a great day
make scooter take you out somewhere nice
he's a banker i know he can swing it

i don't know if you care but
things are nice here
i'm going with molly to the doctor's this morning, just a normal appointment
i'm playing around on the internet while she gets ready
i don't think her doctor likes me, big surprise, but whatever
i think it's because i'm too squeamish

we're settled into the new house, i think molly sent you pictures?
it's nice but even though it's in chelsea i feel out of my league you know?
if i wanted to buy a house in chelsea all i'd be able to afford is a tent to prop up in the alley next to the guy i used to buy coke from
but whatever that's my problem


the house is nice, i feel like i'm in some cute vintage old movie you made me watch
there's rooms and stairs and a cute little fireplace
it's cozy, it's home, sort of
i have an office somewhere i can sit down and write
i'm almost done with the second act would you believe it
my agent constantly flips her shit every time i send her new pages

she's shopping it around some of the theatres here
and apparently there is buzz
idk i think she's just making shit up to get me excited
but it's working so whatever

whatever i'm just rambling now i guess
i hope you're doing good
have a great birthday
you deserve a great day and i wish i could be there to take you out
show you a great night on the town

i'm going to go

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(no subject)

Oct. 9th, 2007 | 11:49 am
location: ulyanov and fucking sons, oh god someone kill me please
mood: amusedamused

nicole i know you read this don't lie and say you dont
it was good to see you this weekend
although i wish you hadn't sold all my shit, i mean really
was it too much to leave me a chair or something?
so what if i haven't been there in two years my name's still on the mortgage
even if you are the one paying it
(thanks by the way)
but seriously, those stools you left were shitty, where the fuck did you buy them
also i think aj wishes you'd learn to call first but i think it's more fun when you show up unannounced
that's how we roll in our family anyway


new york was good, it was nice to get away from miami for a while
weekend went by too quick though since now i'm back at work and not hanging out in my loft which used to be awesome and now is just fucking empty, thanks nicole
a lot of good shit, though, just relaxing in the city
i handed over a few pages to steph when i stopped in to see her, she seemed surprised to see me and a little delighted that i actually, you know, wrote something
ajs family is fucking hilarious as always
you guys know you're not even canadian right? why the fuck do you do canadian thanksgiving? it's not even like canada had pilgrims and pocahontas and shit anyway, right?


i cant decide if i miss the city or not
i miss the fashion, the glitz and glamor, the fact that the city never sleeps
i dont miss the bad shit, the constant headache, and the temptation
new york represents a lot of bad shit for me, but maybe someday i'll go back and start making better memories to replace the stuff i can't remember anyway
i want to go back someday, to live there again, it's not like miami has a thriving theatre circuit
its like off off off off off off broadway really
and i want my play in lights in nyc's theatre district, nowhere else
well maybe london, but i'll conquer one continent at a time, i guess

i guess i need to finish the play first though
right aj?


also aj my mom called
and said that since i could apparently afford to go to new york randomly
that i absolutely have to go back to missouri for something since she hasnt seen me in two or three years or something blah blah blah
thanksgiving or christmas or veterans day i dont know if it even matters when
do you want to come with?
you can keep me from strangling lisa, or from locking her obnoxious kids in the basement
god i hope they all end up queer just to spite her
it'll be a delightful anderson family gathering
you know you want to come

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an update with real content

Oct. 4th, 2007 | 09:22 am
location: ulyanov and fucking sons

with real content only because the only interesting phone call i've gotten is from lisa and i dont want to talk about that
im in the office supposed to be going through our inventory counts from last night but instead i am playing around on the computer
aleksandr is out giving the eye to the male half of this couple that just walked in
the fucker


we are going to ny this weekend and we are flying and i am predictably not very fucking excited about that
the flying part not the going back to ny part
i got enough xanax from the doctor to keep me pleasantly calm for the whole flight
according to him at least
i dont believe it, if only because i know how much of the stuff i used to need to calm me down and it is way more than he gave me
hopefully i've been away from all that shit long enough that i have the tolerance of a normal person instead of a jacked up psychopath
oh god i hate flying
aj seriously this flight is going to be miserable

nicole said she had someone go in to clean the loft, i hope no one stole anything
she said she sold some of my furniture
but wouldn't say what
aj i dont know whats going to be left, probably like the kitchen table and a lamp
so that will be exciting
i guess i'm just lucky that my darling sister kept up the payments for me
i think she stays there when she works too late to get out of the city so maybe there's more than a table and a lamp left

getting up every morning and going to work is sort of surreal for me
fucking lying pig of a boss aside it really is a sweet gig
the pay is good and the commission is better and i can really talk people into buying the most outrageous shit
it's nice to have a sense of purpose to my day
i mean its not like i haven't worked before, but by work really it's been more like ping pong balling back and forth between shitty jobs that i get fired from for the most part

i've actually felt like writing more, i think act i/scene i is almost done
and yes i know that's pathetic dont laugh aj
but it's like being back in that work environment made the play easier to grind out
i can think of a few ideas why
i figure if im going to be in nyc i might as well call steph and stop by so i can charm her in person so she stops asking me for shit
and also i can meet poor innocent susan and crush her little girlish dreams
but if i stop by steph's office without something in hand i think she'll kill me
eat me and chew me up and spit me back out
so in other words i have to have something

...ive got nothing
and the front door just beeped

ooh nice a very exciting looking guy just walked in
im going to go sell him shit before aleksandr notices

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(no subject)

Oct. 1st, 2007 | 09:59 am

phone call, 930am, monday
the only reason i'm sober while i press send is because i need the job, i need alex to take me back there at least for a while
ulyanov and sons, aleksandr speaking, how can i help you
i'm quiet because jesus i haven't heard his voice in a year at least and i didnt think i would ever again
hello? hello?
aleksandr, i blurt, and i forgot how easily his name rolled off my tongue, aleksandr ulyanov, new world boy with an old world name
aleksandr, it's nathan, i say, and its his turn to be silent
christ, nate, he says after a while, christ, i havent--how are--god i thought you left
i cut him off before he derails everything, ruins it
still here, alex, i say, and fuck, i really should be drunk right now
how are you, it's been a while
(i can see him smiling, gesturing at the salesman to watch the floor while he goes into his office, thousand-dollar suit rumpling and wrinkling as he presses flat against the door, as he-- oh christ)
i've been good, nate, he says, real good, allie's expecting our second, can you believe it?
(jesus christ no i cannot, i think, though i remember where alex was when allie went into labor with their first, and it sure wasn't with his fucking wife)
that's great, real great, alex, congrats, listen, hey, you got a minute?
sure nate, for you, always, what can i do for you, what's up?
i need my job back, alex, i say, no beating around the bush, taking a page out of steph's book when she calls and berates me about my script
he's quiet for a while and oh god, i think he's going to say no and then i'm fucked, he's going to say he can't work with me again, it's just not possible
and then he surprises me with a laugh, that real rich, beautiful laugh that i've tried to avoid for so long
sure, nate, he says, you can come back, of course you can. you were the best salesman i had, you know that. come in tomorrow, i'll get you back on payroll and we can work out a schedule, okay.
pause a beat. you free tonight? drinks?
(oh lord he'll break my heart with this)
alex, i say, aleksandr, this cant be like it was before
(i'm going to tell him no this time i'm not going to be in the middle of this i'm not doing it again he won't get the better of me i'm not going to fall for it i will not be his lie oh jesus)
it can't be like before, you and allie-- jesus christ, alex, you'll have two kids and i can't--i can't--alex, all i want is a job
he's quiet for so, so long and i think he's going to change his mind, tell me no, but he clears his throat a little weakly and oh god i think i broke him
right nate, i understand, and his voice is weak, i really do
(no you don't but i can't say it)
it cant happen again, i get it. i'll see you tomorrow morning, right?
right alex, i say, thanks so much, you don't know what this means to me
tomorrow, nate. good to have you back.
end call


oh christ
i need a drink, i need to go out and --
i dont care how early it is
oh god
i left him and he still can
i think i'm going to be sick

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(no subject)

Sep. 28th, 2007 | 10:08 am

things i should do today in no particular order
1 clean, looks like that last tropical storm hit just my goddamn room
2 make lunch? or just order out, i think everything we have left requires actually cooking
3 hire fucking personal chef so i dont have to worry about no2
4 start working act i notes into actual act
5 panic
6 internet job hunt extravaganza
7 call my mother before she thinks i'm in the hospital or otherwise dead
8 call nicole, see above
9 dont return stephanies call
10 laundromat
11 vintage store, aj, want to come with?
12 take out trash since its all apparently mine anyway
13 respond to the 473895 emails ive ignored
14 return stephanies call once aj guilts me into it

things i will do today because i am amazing
1 [redacted ha ha ha]
2 eat leftovers
3 open laptop
4 stare at screen
5 panic
6 drink
7 smoke in bathroom
8 go to club because its fucking friday night
9 drink more
10 good boys dont talk about the rest of my agenda and im a good boy

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aj answer your phone

Sep. 26th, 2007 | 10:49 am
location: in bed where i should be ASLEEP AJ

phone call, 900am, tuesday
nathan, honey, comes a voice
and i don't recognize it
but caller id says it's aj's parents
nathan, says aj's mom, do you know why aj hasn't picked up his phone
hang on a second, mrs bywaters, i say
and i hide the phone under my pillow
and go to the bathroom
and spend about three fucking minutes screaming my head off
because jesus christ aj your mom needs to not call me to find you
especially when its for dumb shit like i-saw-something-on-the-news-that-reminded-me-of-my-boy

but i'm better now
and i go back to the phone
and say i'm not sure mrs bywaters, but i think he's at work

strange, she says
because i get the this-number-is-disconnected message

strange, i say
maybe its a glitch i don't know, i say and i lie through my teeth
through my fucking teeth aj for you
you know how those cell phone companies are
dropped calls and can-you-hear-me-now
but i'll tell him to call you okay?
do you need me to go and get him from work? and have him call you now?

no, that's fine sweetheart, she says
he can call when he gets a minute
you go back to sleep now
end call


pay your goddamn phone bill
so your mom
stops calling me
at weird hours
looking for you

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(no subject)

Sep. 24th, 2007 | 03:15 pm

phone call, 100pm, monday
mr ander--- no, nathan--- and susan is already giggling
i think she likes me or something
and apparently she missed a very big memo somewhere along the line
perhaps next time i send something up i'll send a fucking headshot
of me in front of a damn rainbow flag or something so susan gets that idea out of her head
doesn't need a gay man to break her poor innocent heart
nathan, she says, giggle giggle, stephanie is on the line for your scheduled call
transfer her through, darling, i say, i've been waiting all day
because i have, i even promised aj on threat of death that i'd be sober for this call
i've probably chain smoked a pack of cigarettes already this morning though
to make up for it
please hold, nathan, susan says, and the phone beeps
stephanie lieberman, comes stephanie's voice, loud and brash and overbearing, everything i love about that crazy bitch
hi steph, i say, palms sweaty, pacing the apartment, cigarette clenched in between my fingers because this is fucking stressful, this phone call
what've you got for me, nate, she asks, already down to goddamn business
no small talk, no chit chat, no nothing, just what have you written in the past four years and why haven't i seen any of it
i've got nothing to email you, steph, i say
i don't say its because i had one giant clusterfuck of a weekend
she sighs and i laugh
but let me give you the rundown
i finally have the outline
because i do
it's all written up right here
it's the most i've gotten done on this fucking thing since we came to miami
definitely the most since my last crash, though i don't tell her that either
i run it down for her, cast of characters and summary of acts
and she is so fucking pleased
nate, she says, oh, jesus, nate, this is going to be fantastic
and she laughs and i laugh
machine gun laughter in tandem
ha ha ha ha ah ah ack ack ack ack ack
nate can you promise me something, she asks
and the ha-ha-ack-ack-ack stops
nate i need one act by this time next month
oh jesus
but i promised her
ok, steph, i say, and my palms are sweating and i need another cigarette
steph, i promise, one act
great, nate, she says
i'll check up with you next week right
right steph thanks doll
end call


i'm going to do it
i'm going to give her an act if it fucking kills me
but first i'm going to celebrate

if you're looking for me
i'll be in my best three piece suit in nineteen fucking twenty seven
i promise
no drinking
no funny business
because i don't want to get arrested in the past
because that would be fucked up

it's going to be a blast
i'm so glad we found this fucked up secret

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