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Jun. 16th, 2008 | 11:14 am
location: home

so for those of you following along at home
which is, well, my sister (hi nicole)
we're closing in on peanut's arrival date
we've got about a month left, give or take a few days
my status at home has been relegated to guy-who-does-everything
let me tell you we've been eating a lot of take-out
since my skills behind the stove are
well, still awful
nicole's been up a lot to help out
and if i ever had any issues with feeling totally helpless and emasculated
this would just make it worse, being the man who can only barely provide
because he's not quite good at the things he needs to do to keep daily life going
but whatever
i'm okay with it

the play's almost done
i've workshopped a bit with some other writers,
had some actor friends come in to do a little reading
but i've taken a bit of a break for now
partly because i just don't have time and partly because
well, it was just starting to be a trigger for me you know?
it was getting harder and harder to write
because of what i'm writing about
and so i just stopped for a little while
because contrary to popular belief
i'm not actually a moron

so in prep for peanut
i've been going to these daddy boot camp sort of classes
because let's face it, nicole might disagree
but i didn't grow up with the best example of being a dad
and my experience with babies is pretty much none
discounting the few times i've gotten to be with lisa's kids
before she drags them away
in fear that they're going to catch the gay from me
i want to be a good dad and i can only learn so much on the internet
(and the internet inevitably leads me to porn which also doesn't help)

anyway, these classes
well, if we want to talk about emasculating
making me feel less of a man
let's say being stuck in a room that's overwhelmingly populated by
paragons of the american ideal of maleness
using strange metaphors about sports to explain things about babies
(and looking at me strange when i just stare blankly because their football metahpor made no sense whatsoever and it wasn't really even a metaphor but i don't think they want english lessons from me)
and talking construction and banking and business and women
isn't doing much for my self-confidence
i'm decidedly the only me in the class
even the metrosexuals are very clearly not ever going to play for the other team
if i want to use their fucking sports metaphors
i'm okay with me as i am, i've had to be for a very long time
but it gets a little uncomfortable after a while

the first thing they ask is what kind of a dad you had, what kind you want to be
and it was hard
i just want to be a good dad
i want peanut to know that i love him, i want him to hear it from me
i knew my dad loved me but i never heard it
and he didn't exactly get the opportunity to show his love through
normal fatherly pursuits
baseball picnics camping boy scouts
not in the cards for me
(well maybe the boy scouts, but the uniforms just were never sexy enough to really get my attention)
i want to be able to provide a good home for peanut
with love and happiness and knowledge and respect

i worry sometimes
what he'll think of me when he's grown
i'll never be a typical dad, i'll never be the one to engage in those
aformenetioned fatherly pursuits
it's no secret that i've done some terrible things
and if this play gets picked up some of those terrible things will be out there for the world to see
it's no secret that i'm no saint, you know?
and i don't want him to be ashamed of his dad
i don't want him to wake up one day and realize that his dad's nothing but
a former junkie who would bend over for just about anyone at one point in his life
and who still struggles
--will always struggle--
to reign in his wilder ways
i don't want him to be ashamed or embarassed by me
so i want to start everything out right

i don't know where i was going with this
i need to get going anyway
i have a thing this afternoon at the theatre, for potential directors
why they want me directing anything i don't know
but it pays and it was something i enjoyed when i did it
we'll see.

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