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Apr. 12th, 2008 | 11:52 am


so i'm 30 today
30
not technically yet, since i was born late at night
which is what my mom blames half my problems on
"oh nathan if only you'd been born while the sun was still out you wouldn't ___"

sorry i don't think she's right on that one
but i let her believe it anyway

30
god


i never thought i'd live to see 30 honestly
if you'd asked me 10 years ago, 5 even
hell last year even
i would have laughed at you
30 seemed so far off, so unattainable
in a world of coke and shooting up and fucking anyone that would have me
in a life that meant ODing and trying to kill myself and doing anything to stop feeling
(and can you tell i've been back to the psychologist
that i can even recognize this shit for what it is)
30 was an impossibility, a pipe dream
i would have laughed at you and done another line to be honest
i don't think i wanted to be 30


and now here i am
back in new york, where everything started for me
only with a wife and a baby on the way
clean and sober for months now
writing and feeling for the first time ever
that i might just make something out of myself

i did rehab twice, and i fucked it up twice
i put my family through hell, mom and dad and nicole
i put aj through hell
and i couldn't clean up because i wasn't ready to

but now
i don't want to be a 30 year old addict
i knew 30 year old addicts
i dated them
i think sergei was pushing 30 when i met him and that sure as hell turned out well
and it was never pretty, just a used up shell of a guy whose entire life
morning to night
revolves around getting his next fix
mine did too
but i'm not going to be that man any more

i fucked up a lot of good things
when i was high or when i was drinking
i burned a lot of bridges

but now i get to start over
i've got a life to live now

i've done the 12 steps a million times before
rehab, meetings, just years of trying to get their bullshit higher power stuff through my head
and failing every time
i'm not headed towards a spiritual awakening any time soon
and even clean my moral inventory is still pretty fucking jacked up
but i've got to admit that this is the first time ever that i've felt like
maybe
just maybe
i can do it. i can keep clean this time.
i don't want to be that person any more, and i don't know if i've ever been ready to say that before

you know i'd anticipating hitting 30 and going out and
just bingeing the entire day on whatever i could get my hands on
i didn't anticipate hitting 30 and sitting around waiting
for my wife to get dressed so we can go out to lunch
and for a walk around the park
and not wanting - not feeling even a little tempted - to use at all

i'm not the same man
even past the new life and the new last name
i'm not the same man at all
and maybe you know
maybe this is a good thing


i'm 30 now
i can recognize all the bullshit i've done in the past
and i can't apologize enough
for everyone i've hurt
but this is a new life
and i'm going to make the best of it

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